You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
