closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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