Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
