imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
