So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
