She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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