There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
