Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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