when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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