his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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