Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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