I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
