At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
