Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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