I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
