I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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