my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
