i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
