We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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