Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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