i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
