oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
