Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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