i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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