I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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