The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
