I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
