Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
