I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
either way he was missing a nipple.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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