i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
