You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
