I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
