and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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