He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
he just fucked me for my cheese..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
