i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
