There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
