I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
