my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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