I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
