you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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