I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
