Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
