I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
