Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
