Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
