dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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