my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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