Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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