Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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