i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Damn victory sex feels great
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
