I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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