if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
