i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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