she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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