i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i think i have two assholes
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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