he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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