thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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