Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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