So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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