i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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