Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
