i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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