I have demons in me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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